


E is for Emma

by frecklesarechocolate



Series: Alphabet Ficlets [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:10:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2548664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frecklesarechocolate/pseuds/frecklesarechocolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's an emptiness in Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	E is for Emma

It's not anything specific that triggers it, at least, Dean doesn't think so.

He just wakes up one morning feeling like there's an aching void inside of him. He even knows that nothing will fill it. Not for lack of trying, though. He throws himself a little too enthusiastically into hunting, gleefully cutting the heads off of two vampires, and breaking his knuckle on the jaw of a rougarou.

Sam flicks worried looks Dean's way from the passenger seat of the Impala, but Dean just turns up the stereo and beats in time with the music on the steering wheel a little harder. Sam's bitchface - the one that says,  _Dean, you should really talk about it!_  - is epic, even for Sam.

Dean goes to a bar. He drives, and when the bartender takes his cell phone and calls Cas, Dean slumps over the bar in defeat. He doesn't lift his head until he hears Cas intone, "Dean," in his rough-hewn voice. Dean looks up, flinching at the disapproval that flows off Cas in waves, threatening to drown him.

Cas's face twists, and he snaps, "Stop that," like he knows exactly what Dean's thinking. Because of course he does. Dean's in no mood to talk, so he doesn't bother responding. But Cas has spent entirely too much time in the company of one Sam Winchester, because he apparently wants to "talk".

Dean rolls his eyes, because even he heard the air quotes on that one.

"Sam and I are worried about you." Cas settles on the stool next to Dean, his right leg bumping into Dean's left, making him feel warm. Cas orders two cups of coffee from the bartender, who nods.

"You guys shouldn't worry about me," Dean says, going for false cheer.

He must not sell it very hard, because Cas just lifts a brow at that. The bartender returns with the coffee, and hands Dean's keys to Cas.

"On the house," she says when Cas reaches for his wallet. He smiles at her, and something hot and ugly twists in Dean's gut. To cover his surprise, he gulps the coffee, gasping as it scalds his tongue.

"Son of a bitch," Dean mutters.

Cas doesn't smirk, but he does eye Dean in a way that can only be interpreted as meaningful, and Dean's free hand clenches spasmodically.

Cas sips at his coffee placidly, like there's all the time in the world, and it occurs to Dean that maybe there actually  _is_. That maybe they could sit here, side-by-side, have a cup of coffee and not have to worry about the world ending.

But that hollow feeling gnaws at him, tears at his insides, refusing to be ignored.

And Cas drinks his fucking coffee like Dean isn't a gigantic waste of space. Dean slams the coffee mug down on the bar and lurches off his seat. 

"I'm going out to the car," he says, not waiting for a response from Cas.

Of course when he gets out to the parking lot, he realizes Cas still has his keys, and the car is locked.

"Son of a bitch!" he says, kicking at the gravel. A small piece of it pings off one of the hubcaps of the Impala, and for a split second, Dean can't bring himself to care.

When Cas finally exits the bar, Dean's slumped on the ground, his back to the Impala. Cas reaches down a hand, and Dean grasps it. Cas half hauls Dean up, and then he unlocks the passenger door for Dean.

They're quiet on the drive, until about halfway to the bunker, when Dean blurts, "I miss her."

Cas hums a response to indicate he's listening. Dean fumbles around for the words to explain what he's feeling, because it doesn't make sense, it's not at all grounded in reality.

"I didn't know her, who she was, not really. I just knew  _what_  she was." He takes a gasping breath - the air in the Impala is thick and stifling, despite the fact that it's late fall, and quite cool out.

"She was mine though. Sam said she wasn't, but she was. She was my kid, and she was a monster." He lets loose a choked laugh that's really more of a sob. "Of course she was a monster. I ruin everything I touch."

Cas huffs, an irritated sound. He pulls into the Bunker's garage and shuts off the engine. They sit listening to the slow tick of the engine as it cools.

"Tell me about her," Cas says eventually, and Dean's head pops up in surprise. After a stunned moment or two, where his brain tries to process the request, he does.

Dean tells Cas about her dark blonde hair, and her voluminous eyes, and how he thought he caught a glimpse of himself in the way she held her shoulders. He tells Cas about her strength and how smart she was.

Cas listens quietly, his head tilted to the side, taking in all that Dean shares, until Dean winds down. He's run out of things to say because there is no more, that's all he ever knew of his daughter, all he will ever know about her.

He doesn't realize he's crying until a tear drop rolls down his cheek and lands with a plop! on the sleeve of his jacket, the sound loud in the heavy silence.

Cas twists in his seat and leans over. He places a soft, gentle kiss on Dean's forehead. "She need not be a monster in your memories, Dean. Just your daughter." 

Dean's fingers curl around the sleeve of Cas's hoodie like it's a lifeline, and they sit together like that in the Impala for a long time.

Later, when they head to their respective rooms for some much needed sleep, Dean hesitates, his hand hovering on the doorknob to his room.

"Cas, I..." but he can't come up with the right words to express the gratitude he feels for this tiny measure of peace that Cas helped him find.

Cas smiles and nods before shutting his door with a soft click.


End file.
